My story started over thirty years ago. I noticed my mother having similar traits which infuriated me at times as she spent lengthy times washing her hands sometimes emptying the whole boiler of hot water. It was embarrassing too as I could not invite my friends in and they had to stand outside come rain or shine for the fear of contamination of dirt from their shoes or clothes. My mother was in denial and never once admitted she had OCD even though I recognised she had the diseasse when I was diagnosed with it.
I first noticed something was wrong when I adapted my mothers methology to wash my hands but soap and water was not good enough for me I needed something that in my mind would definately kill all bacteria so I started to wash my hands in undiluted Dettol. This as a consequence burned my hands and I had to have treatment to counteract my ailments.
I then progressed to disinfecting everything I came into contact with and always had a concoction of disinfectant in a water bottle that I could spray instantly and easily to subdue my anxietty. I tried fighting it by simply doing nothing which made me more nausious and anxious.
I eventually went to my GP to get help as I knew this was not normal and I needed something to calm my thoughts down. I was prescribed over the years many medications and most made me zombified, in which all I wanted to do was sleep. Simply talking about my problems did not help. No one could help me apart from myself, unless someone gave me a £1,000,000 to make my troubles go away. I found it hard to speak with strangers about my problem and still do. I find having to repeat the same thing over and over again agonising so I stopped seeing my psychiatrist. I did not want to be reminded about my fears or reminded why I was going there in the first place. This stranger could not help me he never stood in my shoes.
I once explained to my GP if I was on cloud nine metaphorically speaking and walked away from my present life to a start a new life without any trouble I would possibly be able to get rid of all of my negative thoughts.
All my life I have felt insecure and that is something that has eaten away my soul.
My father was strict as he was an ex-army vetran and everything had to be by the book. I got punished endlessly for breaking the rules. I then sought solice with a young man who had a middle class upbringing whilst I had a working class which did not go down well with his mother who thought his precious son could do much better seeing as my parents were foreign which did not help either. She once said to me you could do much better than being with my son. What mother says that? She obviously was saying he could do much better than being with me .
The problem was I fell in love with him and he was a mummys boy even though at the time I blamed myself that I was not good enough for him so I started my rituals of washing my hands which then escalated to disinfecting everything I came into contact with. I remember showering in his house and he had shower curtains and as you well know they cling to you so I used to avoid using them. As a consequence the floor would sometimes get wet which would make my ex paranoid and used to put me on edge and be very intimidating.
Obvously we broke up and years later I moved away never to bump into him again, but my illness followed me like a bad apple. I have since found him again and I did message him only to show him what he lost but he did not respond.
I want to show him my life, how well I did without him and to remind him if it was not for me he would not be where he is now.
Granted I have good days and I have bad.
I have found that focusing on a goal and not interacting physically with people I am at my happiest.
What is it with people who do not respect your personal space and walk into you or brush past you? If we had to have body insurance, just like car insurance people would soon learn to stay out of your way, instead of merely saying sorry. If you bumped into me if I was a car you wouldn't just being saying sorry then . People don't understand your invisible disease and the consequences if you were to touch another person. What is it with cashiers touching your credit/debit cards at the checkout when your about to pay? Thank God for contactless thats all I have to say.
Another pet peeve is when cashiers at checkouts open carrier bags with their own saliva. If you spat at a person you would get arrested, so smearing saliva over a plastic bag only spreads germs, but checkout assistants have this nasty habbit and take offence to the observation and they some how think its ok.
I have also observed these famous fast food burger bars handling food with their bare hands, what has the world come to? I remember about 20 years ago one had to prepare food with latex gloves but now its ok to touch food with your bare hands when you prepare it in a public place. The same goes twenty or even thirty years ago one was not allowed to bring dogs into restaurants unless you were blind and had a guide dog, but now I see it that every establishment is doing it and I think its unhygenic. When one is a paying guest and is paying good money one should not be subjected to a smelly dog sniffing your ankles whilst your trying to eat.
If allowing to bring dogs into an eating establishment, why stop there?, why not bring in your pet cat, hamster or rabbit, why do dogs only get the special treatment?
These people in power that set these laws need their heads examining. Since doing research on my disability I have noticed this is all societies fault and the certain 1% of the people that rule this planet have caused all this. If every one lived in peace and harmony we would be healthier, less stressed, less anxious or depressed. Why can't the 1% be brought to justice and pay back compensation for all the money they stole, people they helped to murder, all for their own personal gain.
Did you know pharmaceuetical companies would be out of business if everyone was healthy. There would be less of a need for medical staff. The whole world is a money making machine and the ordinary person is the byproduct. If there were no wars then the 1% would not get richer. Surely one can argue over oil, gas and gold without going to war. Imagine all the people that have suffered with depression because of society and all the people that have taken their own lives because of society. This world is an evil place because of the people that run it. There are two famous families that run this world, they are the ones that print out money and control the banking system and dictate to the leaders of the world what they should do in exchange for money. The rest of us are their pawns of which they do what they like with us without us even knowing. Thats why I suffer with depression not only because of my life experiences but because of the knowledge I have learnt about the worlds leaders and what they are doing to the rest of us. The higher you are up on the food chain, you can look down at the people beneath you. So unless a miracle happens society is never going to change and people will continue being depressed and even taking their own lives in the hope of greener pastures.
If I did not have such a fear of contamination I could be an inspector of germs or even a germ influencer and teach others about germs, but that is never going to happen.
If I see a fly I freak out, no I don't go running around like a screaming banshee, I just spray the room with what ever I can find that can kill the fly in mid flight, even going as far as using hairspray. The reason for my panic attack is flies sit on excrement and then they sit on you or your food...... enough said.
For the scientists and all the medical professionals who say we have our own antibodies to fight germs, yes that may be correct but people with low immune systems such as my daughter would find it harder to fight the germs compared to the average human being. I do not want to take any risks, sorry to be a party pooper.
Society may have taken my body but have not and will not take my mind or my soul.....
Only God can Judge me, us mortals are no better than one another and those that think they are need to evaluate their mindset. If you and your enemy were the only people left in the world and your enemies blood could potenially save you if you were dying, would you take your enemies blood if he/she gave it to you?.....
Here is something to ponder over, using public toilets and washing hands. Imagine the sink was not an automatic dispencer and one had to touch the tap to let the water run. Imagine for one second the scenario. one has dirty hands, one touches the taps before washing ones hands. You then wash your hands with soap and water and you then have to touch the tap to turn it off. You have now successfully re-contaminated your hands by touching the dirty tap....
*People need to respect personal space!!!!
When I am at my lowest when things get rough, when I am under a lot of stress and pressure I find my OCD levels rise. When I have no choice but to leave my safe space and enter into a public domain I am on high alert of the people around me. If I have to touch door handles I usually carry with me tissue or latex gloves. When I have to sit down in a public place or public transport, I know that my clothes are now contaminated so I know I have to wash them with disinfectant when I get home. I do not like using other peoples pens or touch paper that has been touched by someone else. I am aware of what people touch and I will not touch money (fiat) paper money or coins. I do not like touching or being touched. I do not like people touching any of my personal possessions. I sometimes make it obvious as some people are oblivious to ones illness. If I see a person walking a dog on an extra long leash and I can see the dog heading for me I will start to walk the opposite direction, I have even found myself stepping off a public path and stepping onto a main road just ot avoid a dog coming up close or god forbid sniffing or jumping on you. What really gets me is peoples reactions " dont worry he/she won't bite", excuse me but its not the dog that has the bite you should be concerned about, more like my bite of me kicking off - respect my personal space please why don't you! Just because you do not have a problem with dog does not mean I have to be of the same understanding. I have my reasons so stay out of my way.
*People can can sometimes be ignorant to the disability if they have never experienced it for themselves.
*All people at some point in their lives feel anxious, stressed, under pressure or depressed.
*People handle these feelings in different way, some smoke cigarettes, other drink alcohol or do drugs or being promiscuous, I choose to do none of the above.
I am not a cigarette smoker even though I have tried it along with alcohol and the occasional draw in the past. But this has not phased me and I just rely on what the GP prescribes me to get through the day.
*The way I see it and that is from my own perspective, as long as I have worries I will always have OCD.
Learing to live with it is the most debilating especaially when people try to intervene. People who have absolutely no knowledge of the disease think there is nothing wrong with you, when in reality you look normal on the outside but inside all you want to do is curl up in a ball and die.
Every day I wake up I have to find reasons to keep on carrying on. I know I have lots of reasons to carrying on but people are very cruel and unkind. When you reach out for help you are crtitised, judged and pitied. I know a few people including family and friends who have looked down their noses at me.
I have reached out to certain members of my family and a selected number of friends who have taken pity on me.
Society has taught us to be snobs.
The difference with me is that if one of my family members or friends reached out to me I know for a fact I would not judge, critise or ridicule. But unfortunately for me I know such people and it makes me sad that they believe they are better than me for whatever reason.
In fact not so long ago someone came to visit my daughter and I out of curiosity and pity as they found out my daughter is sufffering with multiple sclerosis and when I spoke off topic about my network of people I am associated with, this person looked mortified that a minoer such as myself could possibly know anyone or anyone of influence would have nothing to do with me. How wrong was she when I proved her wrong.
It disgusts me how people are so narrow minded and self centred. I went to this person may years ago and asked if I could come to her if I needed somewhere to hide from my ex-partner, she only stopped corresponding with me soon after, so this year I decided to be the bigger person and contacted her again with the update about my daughter. my daughter has Multiple Sclerosis. (Multiple Sclerosis is also an Invisible Disease).
The same goes for a particular family member who rather than see me prosper prefers that I do not pursue a litigation against another family member even though he is aware how they treated me in the past.
Just because he owns two houses and an Aston Martin he can sit on his throne and cast judgement. This person has done nothing to support me in any way. I once turned to him in my moment of suicidal thoughts and he said people have problems and I should get over mine and that he was busy. Imagine if I had taken my own life what would he have thought about his valuable advice......?
I have since learnt to motivate myself and to set goals and not rely on anyone, this helps me drive out any negative thoughts of suicide. These people who I have turned to in the past for support, whom did nothing to help me, I will not forgive and I will never forget. (My book 'He Loved me, He Loved me Not' is scheduled to be launched soon).
I have not felt suicidal for years although my ex-partner did make me come close when he tried to mentally and physically break me down. All my thoughts I concentrated on were of my daughter and I took control of my thoughts that if I ended it she would have no one, so I managed to pick myself up and soldier on.
I have never really spoken about my ordeal with anyone other than my daughter and she understands my disability just like she is starting to come to terms with her own. She recognises the symptons of stress, depression and being under pressure and we somethimes can help each other by talking about our anxieties and problem solving ourselves without feeling embarrased talking to strangers.
I have set myself goals and aim to reach them on my own so that I can help my daugher and others like myself.
My daugher has been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis which one of the symptoms is Depression. She has a thing about odd numbers and has to even things out . She also has to have everything symetrical and in order, otherwise she feels uneasy.
I believe OCD is a genetic disorder which is passed on from parent to child and in my case from my Grnadmother to my mother, to me.
What infuriates me is the law does not consider people with OCD problems. I have been forced to allow two strangers into my home which in turn has contaminated my property because the law states that I have to. I live in private rented accomodation. My argument is if I died due to something being unsafe how would I then sue my landlord......idiots.
What I am referring to is electrical safety check where by the property I rent has to be up to standard. What if there was a fire and I died, I would not be going to my landlord to claim compensation. In the event there was a fire and I was maimed even though I knew the risks for not letting strangers into my home I would not be able to claim anything because I never let them in the the first place, similar to house insurance if you do not secure your home propery you cannot claim insurance. But some muppet behind their desk getting stupid amounts of money to make up these laws have not thought of all the scenarios before setting the laws into action. I understand their are rogue landlords and there has to be laws to protect the tennants but these laws do not care if you have a mental illness or not it is not their problem.
I work from home (yes I still can run a business without interracting with people) so who is going to compensate me whilst my electricity is down? I need electricity for my landline phone and also the internet and computer. So for hours I am without electricity but the landlord still will expect his rent money even though I will loose business, so why am I being penalised when I have done nothing wrong? Furthermore I asked the electrician to put an a light in a reachable position on my landing as the current position is dangerous as one has to hover over a banister on the staircase to change a light bulb, so what did this numb nut do only wired the new light on the same circuit as my original light, so when the light bulb went on the original lighting fixure it tripped the fuse in the fuse box. I have been told by another electrician I have to change the original bulb on the original lighting fixture otherwise it will continue tripping. The one brain cell of people is amazing, you would have thought the first electrician would have thought about this before connecting two lamp fixtures on the one circuit. Now I am without lighting and have to fork out money to get an electrician to fix the problem as it is not covered under the landlords contract to change light bulbs. I am fuming to say the least.
I am surrounded by idiots.
This is not the first time the law has devalued the quality of my life. A few years ago I had a kitchen fire and the fire brigade noticed I did not have electric smoke alarms fitted only battery ones, they asked for my landlords name and I refused to give it to them so they went their crafty way to find the owners name through the land registry. They even made him put a handle on the front door of the property. What property do you see with yale locks that also have a handles on the front door to the property? I for one do not like holding door handles and have wasted no end of latex gloves opening the door as it will not open unless you pull the handle down, which in terms of me using latex gloves is not good for our environment.
Do not throw obstacles in my way.
Then there is my GP I asked over 4 years ago to make a rountine appointment with the nurse to have my ears syringed and I was told I had to see the doctor first before I could see the nurse??? To me this is a waste of Doctors time nevermind my own, but I DO NOT MATTER as I am insignificant in this world and will be manipulated and supressed by the powers that be.
So for over 4 years I have not had my ears syringed because going once to my GP is an ordeal let alone twice. It is not for the lack of trying have I not had an appointment, as their methology is that everyone phones at 08.30 in the morning for an appointment and where I imagine they have say 10 phone lines with over a 100 people phoning at the same time makes it virtually impossible to get an appointment. I remember once re-dialling over 100 times before I got through only to be told all the appointments had gone for that day and I should ring back the day after. They have since got an advanced online booking system but this is how messed up it is, in order to register you have to go to the surgery first to fill out a form and show some id. So you are saying what is wrong with that?, well people with disabilities should not have to come into a surgery just to fill out a form and if you can arrange passports online and register everywhere else online without a problem why can it not be straight forward with the surgery?, why do they make life difficult? So I decided to send them a copy of my id and everything they needed via email and guess what they totally ignored me.
Since then my daughter tried making an appointment most recently to wait over one and half hours to be put through to only be told all appointments were gone for that day and that she had to ring back in the morning. But before you are even put through to the queueing system you have to listen to about 5 minutes of instructions, like if you have a problem with your eyes go to the optician or if you have gum ache go to your dentist. Its as if they do not want to do any work and spend more time on the golf course.
For someone who is obssessed with other peoples germs, you would expect a more understanding environment but people as soon as you say you have OCD automatically think you are CRAZY and look down at you. I will never forget the ordeal that a 'Personal Independence Payment' assessor from 'Capita' put me through in order for her to say there was nothing wrong with me. First she wanted me to show my id but she wanted me to give it to her in her hand and when I refused that was a nail in my coffin. She then subjected me to standing for 2 and half hours of questions and performing rituals like a performing monkey. I told her my knee was hurting with the length of time the interview was taking and her response was that I could rest (rest where?? when I have difficulty sitting in certain places, what did she expect me to do? suspend myself from the ceiling)? The alternative was to meet the assessor at my home, well that is not something I should have to as I do not like people coming to my home and contaminating my space with their germs.
This is where society does not care and just wants to beat you down.
People who smoke, smoke to calm their nerves, should they be labelled crazy? because they cannot control their anxieties naturally.
For anyone that says OCD is a figment of imagination they are very much mistaken. I notice every minut thing and cannot stand people touching me. I also cannot stand patronising people that judge you even though they have never walked in your shoes.
My OCD is contamination of germs and everyone has germs as germs are what keep us alive, but I do not like other peoples germs. My other issue is my anxiety of being in Government Buildings, Because I know I am being controlled I feel unsafe and feel by cocooning myself in my own bubble no one can hurt me, hence that is where my OCD kicks in.
I also suffer with Social Anxiety Disorder (social phobia) which may I add is the third largest mental health care problem in the world today. The latest government epidemiological data show social anxiety affects about 7% of the population at any given time. The lifetime prevalence rate (i.e., the chances of developing social anxiety disorder at any time during the lifespan) stands slightly above 13%.
Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. You could say social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being negatively judged and evaluated by other people. It is a pervasive disorder and causes anxiety and fear in most all areas of a person's life. It is chronic because it does not go away on its own. Only direct cognitive-behavioral therapy can sometimes help change the brain, and help people overcome social anxiety although this is not 100% full proof as I have tried cognitive-behavioural therapy for my OCD before and was told to touch things and then resist washing my hands. The lingering thought that I had just contaminated myself made me so anxious I could not wait to cleanse the contaminated hands which I cleaned as soon as the therapist was gone. So as I explained to my GP if I had no worries in the world and lived on cloud nine metaphorically speaking my symptons would definetaly subside. But because we are surrounded by people that pretent to be empathatic and the moment your out of sight they judge you, I feel my symptoms will never go away. From the PIP interviewer that knew I have OCD but insisted to touch my driving license and then sujected me to two and half hours to performing rituals like a performing monkey, was humiliating to say the least.
So today I am trapped in my living room as there are ladders on my landing preventing me to get to the lavatory that the electricians have left behind causing a health and safety hazard, as I would be trapped if I was trying to escape a fire. This law is BS on another level as they should take into consideration people with disabilities. Imagine how much work this has created for me as now it will take me a forever in a day to disenfect my property. Who is going to compensate for that???
Half the time I want to bury my head in the sand and wait for the world to pass me by but instead I motivate myself by working and trying to show the world that I am somebody and that I have value. All my life I have been either bullied, direspected or had my loved ones die, even from an early age back in infants when I could only speak Polish and the other kids did horrid things to me, then into my senior years where a group of popular girls who constantly picked on me. Finally my adult life my parents passed away followed by my brother. I have an open wound of grief that does not get better especially at Christmas when I am not surrounded by family like I used to be. Not forgetting an abusive relationship that I got out of and the memories of what happened just fester.
****Do not tell me you would be fine if your ex tried to strangle you or push you down the stairs amongst other things like punching you and dislocating your knee as a consequence of kicking the knee many times or breaking your ribs, plus also the other life changes I have mentioned about, do not sit on your throne and say that with therapy this would all go away. How can you erase memories, that all I have to say??
I now try to keep myself to myself and stay away from narrow minded people who think they are something when in reality they are not. Just because you have a degree in psychology does not make you qualified to know what is running through my mind and you cannot get me to perform tricks like a performing seal and write in your notes that the therapy session was successful because unless you have a suitcase full of cash where I can start a new life your text book of remedies will not work on me.
No one is better than me and if they think they are then they need a reality check!!!!
As for the person that had Trichotillomania (pronounced trik-o-till-o-MAY-nee-uh), also referred to as “hair-pulling disorder,” should be more sympathetic to me even though she is in denial of ever suffering and should also know it is mental disorder classified under Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders and involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull hair from the scalp, eyebrows, eyelids, and other areas of the body, it is a form of self harming where some people even cut themselves to relieve the pain they are feeling inside. Yet this person is totally oblivious to the fact that every time I mention I have OCD she insists on touching me and frowns upon me for mentioning the disorder as if she is somehow more superior to me, totally ignorant and in denial.
My stress continues as the council are making landlords put twist locks on all the doors, (I live in private rented accomodation) I have removed my kitchen door handle and my door stays open all the time as with a handle I have little room to enter and exit the kitchen which would mean me brushing my body against the wall and door to get in. I have said if it is forced upon me I will remove it. This is against my human rights and is disability discrimination.
How would the person who takes no consideration for a disabled person one day become disabled himself, how would they like it if the shoe was on the other foot so to speak.
If you pay money to a private landlord then it is unfair to have your privacy invaded.
Lately I have really been under a lot of stress and pressure over lots of different things and to have two weeks worth of strangers walking through my house.
It is stressful and I do not like interacting with people at the best of times, so having my privacy invaded is against my human rights.
I have a thumping headache and want to lie down but I have strangers in my house.
I wish I could slap the person who thought this rule up and did not take into account people with disabilities.
There should be a happy medium to make a property secure without causing distress to a disabled person.
Back and forth they have trodden through my home with their dirty shoes making a right mess with the drilling and chipping of wood and I have am on the verge of crying.
***This is really very traumatic for me and with all my life problems I have had with my parents passing away and my brother, my abusive partner and being robbed causing me to not work for a long period as all my equipment was stolen and the icing on the cake my daughters life changing illness, all this is just way to much for me to handle and where I am fighting so hard to carry on this is another obstacle thrown in my path that I have to get over.
I have joined OCD group chats on social media but none of that helps, how can anyone help me, no one can.
No one has walked in my shoes and only if they have can they can then comment!
I feel so anxious and depressed lately, for lots of different reasons. I have a Human Rights Case going on right now with a Privacy Violation made ny a search engine. I am contantly worrying about money and how I am going to make money. I am worried about future events and want to get out of this hell hole I am in. I am worried about the safety of my electrics even though Pat Testers came to my property and worked to make everything safe, yet I noticed my extension cable was puroposely disconnected from my wall hinge and put on the floor behind my washing machine. I also never said anything but my front living room chandalier was not inspected, but they charged my landlord for the inspection. I am constantly worried about everything and good job I have Mirtazpine to make me sleep otherwise I would be up all night worrying as well as during the day.
My social anxiety is getting the better of me too. I am due to go out 3 times this week and am dredding the thought of interacting with the public. I cannot stand public transport, with the pushing and shoving and rubbing shoulders with other people. I hate anyone touching me, purposely or by accident, I immediately want to go home and get changed and wash my clothes.
People have done this to me and now I do not trust no one and rather be at home, out of site. I am the most happiest in front of my computer. I can chat with people online anywhere around the world and never leave my home, but face to face I would rather not, unless I really have to.
I feel so tearlful tonight, yet I should be positive as I know I have my daughter and that is all that matters and our black cat whcih happened to be born on the 13th.
I do not need anyone else.
I am worried about the discrimination of this illness I have and how some people will think there is nothing wrong with and it is all a figment of my imagination, but is it really, (its not a question, its an angry response), I have endured torture of the greatest level and cannot forgive or forget. I do not need people to help me, they cannot help me unless they give me enough money to start a new life. Can't see anyone knocking my door any time soon, as people do not care, they just pretend that they do, but in reality the only people they care about is themseves.
I am so frustrastrated today, my leak in the bathroom has returned from a leaking roof that has been ongoing for over a month now. The dirty water that drips from the ceiling is making my OCD go through the roof. I cannot use the lavatory with out getting soaked, this surely is against my human rights to have to endure sub standard living conditions. I contacted the building contractors today and am still waiting for them to call round.
On another note I am also anxious about my Personal Independance Payment and phone them today to see when it is being reviewed, luckily for me I have another 3 years left before I am publically humiliated again by them. The sheer anxiety of the thought of having to deal with them again is causing my anxiety to go off the richter scale. Not only that I have to also worry about my daughter personal independance payment that is due to be renewed September 2021, wait for this she has 'Multiple Sclerosis' and they intitially said there was nothing wrong with her even though she has a Neurologist letter to say she has lesions on her brain and spine and walks with a spastic gate.
Anyway the building contractors have arrived and invasion of my private space continues.